Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Single shaker of shame: The worst DVDs of 2008


“Why did I rent this?” These words echo across America every night. If you have to hit fast forward, it’s not a good sign. Here are 20 from this year that I wish I skipped.

1. Be Kind Rewind (2008) – Previously reviewed on this blog. Not so kind...

2. Daniel Tosh: Completely Serious - Comedians shouldn’t be assholes. Seriously.

3. The Game Plan- “The Rock” tries to emulate family-friendly Schwarzeneggers' career path, mugging embarrassingly with a child actor who should have hit him with a folding chair.

4. Get Smart (2008) - Previously reviewed on this blog. Back to your office Steve!

5. Grindhouse: Planet Terror – Rodiguez and Tarantino think that making deliberately bad, violent films is cool. It’s not and put out that doobie!

6. The Happening (2008)- M. Night Shyamalan has Marky Mark and friends trying to outrun the suicide-inducing wind. Say hi to your mother for me.

7. Heckler – Jamie Kennedy fakes us out; Instead of talking about heckling he quickly equates them with critics and then cries that they didn’t like his shitty films.

8. I'm Not There - Bob Dylan is played by a whole bunch of different actors in an attempt to capture his essence. My channels - they are a changing.

9. Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008) – Looky it's 3-D! Brendan Fraser is in danger of becoming the next Nicholas Cage making bad big budget junk for a paycheck.

10. Lust, Caution –The Asian cinema cliché that really slow-moving films are more meaningful. I needed more lust less caution.

11. Married Life – Supposedly a murder-mystery that has neither.

12. Momma's Man (2008) – Like the “Step Brothers” but trying to take itself seriously. Grow up!

13. Ocean's Thirteen- The last two of this franchise milk the originality of the first with lame-ass pretty boy smugness.

14. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End – Sequel-itis again hits as big money trumps the fun with a ridiculously confusing plot and over-the-top nonsense action.

15. Redacted – Brian DePalma goes ‘Clockwork Orange’ on us and it’s an experiment in bad. War is horrific and so is this film.

16. Slacker Uprising – Michael Moore shows us how his “Slacker Nation” failed to get Kerry elected in 04. Is this relevant?

17. Sleuth – A two-man show with Michael Caine and Jude Law trading wits while boring us senseless.

18. Snow Angels - David Green makes good actors do bad things. Depressing filmmaking is not serious filmmaking.

19. Vantage Point – The"aren't we clever?" point of view can't save this conceited thriller that twists and turns into mediocrity.

20. Zoo – Bestiality attempted to be explained artistically. Yuck!

Let's have a happy new year and hope for more multi-shaker films in 09!

2 comments:

Sean L said...

I think you put "Lust, Caution" in the wrong category Tim. I haven't seen it, but you know, just sayin'.

How dare you invoke the name "Clockwork Orange" in reference to a bad film!

THIS IS EGREGIOUS!

Jessi said...

Alas, Tim and I vehemently disagree on "Be Kind, Rewind." I loved it. Hilariously outrageous electrical charges with lovable performances by Jack Black (of course) and Mos Def (extra hugs for his struggling-to-keep-it-together straight man).
Be kind, rent this.